It seems to me that I do not like a child. What to do? Psychologist's advice

"I do not like my child ..."For many girls, this phrase may seem completely strange and silly, but in fact it happens that the parent does not feel anything about the baby. Moreover, family psychologists claim that for life at least once, but every woman had the thought that she does not love her child. Another thing is that every normal mother tries to drive her away from herself, and this is absolutely the right approach.

And if society has long been accustomed tounreliable mothers who leave their children in state custody, the coldness of a woman raising a child is extremely unfriendly. And in order to solve the problem, it is first necessary to find the cause, and there can be a lot of them.

Waiting for the baby

It is habitual to consider that pregnancy isa happy period of waiting for the baby to appear. But often this is not the case, the body tolerates strong changes, and with them problems and discomfort. A new daily routine, and what to say about taste preferences and behavior! Therefore, sometimes a woman does not like the one who grows in it, because because of him it is necessary to experience all the transformations.

And still the pregnancy is unplanned,which completely changes the plans for life, because of what the future mother is hard to get used to the upcoming changes. Sometimes a girl even throws phrases like: "I do not like a child who is pregnant!" If things are this way, then it's too early to panic. Often with the appearance of the baby in the light or very soon, the mother's instinct is also manifested.

Newborns

But it also happens otherwise. In the first days, weeks, and sometimes months, the mother does not feel absolutely any feelings for the child. And this is normal. Most often, this phenomenon is called postpartum depression, the causes of which are difficult to investigate, as most women are afraid of disapproval in society and try to spread less about their problem. In general, there is nothing terrible in this: it lasts a short time, and postpartum depression is apathy, melancholy, nervousness. And to replace them comes a huge motherly love for her child. And it will even be frightening to imagine that not long ago the phrase "I do not like a child" was spinning in my head.

It also happens that the reason can be simpledisappointment. The girl hopes to see a cute baby, but most often the baby is born not too cute, thus not justifying the expectations. After all, as for a girl, for him, birth also becomes a great stress. But soon everything will change, and he will become for the mother the sweetest creature. Yes, and all the blame for the postnatal depression, with its disappearance, all negative emotions and all kinds of doubts will pass.

Sometimes the cause may be a complex pregnancyor heavy delivery. At the subconscious level, the mother blames her child for what she went through. But soon it will pass. And then, at which point this love has appeared - in the first seconds or months, it does not matter, as a result, each mother will love her baby equally.

Too active child

It happens that the child is too active and does not givemothers do not have a moment of rest, after all, for such a toddler you need to watch tirelessly. And among other things, there are responsibilities in the home, work and other matters. The girl does not have time for rest, which is necessary for any person. So, excessive workload is manifested by a negative attitude towards the child, and sometimes a woman even catches herself on the thought that her own child irritates her. Anyone can disagree, even the most insignificant offense.

This problem is solved depending on the degreefatigue mother. Perhaps it will be enough for the weekend to take the child to relatives, a woman to be alone, spend time on herself, diversify her leisure time or simply sleep. And then with new strength, she can return to her baby, and most often by the end of the weekend she herself begins to miss her child.

If the problem has gone too far, and the womanis on the verge of a nervous breakdown, then the best option is to seek help from a specialist. But in this case the mother can not say: "I do not like the child." It simply affects the accumulated fatigue and excessive irritability.

Too well-bred kid

"I do not like my child because hetoo educated "- no matter how strange it may sound, but sometimes this is what parents feel about the years of an educated baby. If the child is very intelligent, educated and ahead of his peers in terms of knowledge, sometimes adults instead of pride feel only their own imperfection next to him. They do not know how to behave, and the only thing they do is constantly get angry at the baby, yet realizing that they are actually wrong, and the child is not guilty of anything. And it turns out a kind of vicious circle.

But the main trouble of this problem is thatparents rarely admit that they have it. They find it hard to admit to themselves, but there can be no question of a professional. And so the child grows in the family, where for the parents he is a constant reminder of their insolvency. The most correct solution will be the help of specialists or the study of literature in which this issue is addressed.

Adolescence

When a child reaches adolescence inmany families begin to have difficulties, because sometimes even the most obedient child begins to behave absolutely recklessly. And where there was just a moment of mutual understanding and love, discord begins. Children rude to their parents, and that, in turn, is incredibly insulting in response to caress and care to get impudence and rudeness. Because of this, they become angry with the child and gradually move away from him. Sometimes even in hearts they throw the phrase: "I do not like a child." The teenager also feels that the attitude towards him has changed, begins to protest in the ways known to him - by anger and rudeness. It is most true to apply to the family psychologist, so that the specialist helps to establish relations in the family and brings the parents and the child out of the stressful state. After all, the most dangerous in this situation is that the teenage age will pass, but mutual reproaches and resentments will remain for life.

The child of the wife from the first marriage

Often, when a marriage breaks up, a childremains to live with his mother. And when a new man appears in a girl's life, he must live with the child, educate him or, at least, simply communicate.

Often the chosen one, having come into the house, considers himselfauthority and begins to lead the baby, teach him, and sometimes demand. It is extremely erroneous to think that a child should immediately obey unconditionally. Every child understands that all adults are different, and in any case, you need to first earn his respect or love, especially if the child continues to communicate with his father. In this case, he absolutely can not understand the function of the new person. And that's why, if he feels pressure on himself, he begins to show his character from the negative side. Which, in turn, is negatively met by the stepfather and is accompanied by a response reaction. The elect declares: "I do not like the wife's child from the first marriage".

What to do? How to solve this problem? And it is simply necessary to win his disposition by deeds and his kind attitude. After all, children are very good at guessing the emotions that they feel. And at the subconscious level they understand the attitude towards themselves: do they love, or do they only refer to a difficulty that prevents a new person from building a relationship with his mother. And we should not forget that it is the stepfather who invades the habitual way of life of the child, so he should try to establish contact.

One of the most important nuances in solving the problem is the time that the child needs to actually begin to respect and love the head of the renewed family.

Sometimes, despite all attempts to establishrelationship, nothing happens, the child does not like his stepfather, and the latter does not like him in return. And the relationship still can not get better. Very often, the reason lies in the fact that the child is jealous of the mother to the new elect. After all, before the arrival of the new "Pope", all attention was directed only to him, and now it has split. He became less, and the kid is afraid that everything will be worse. Therefore, he begins to pour out all his negative on the new person, which, in turn, can trigger a reaction. And this is absolutely natural, it is not at all surprising that a man decides deeply in his soul: "I do not like the wife's child from the first marriage". After all, even if in the arsenal of knowledge there are read books and lectures on pedagogy, it is quite difficult to apply this knowledge: when emotions and rage overwhelm, it becomes extremely difficult to think rationally.

Therefore, it is necessary to solve the cause of the problem, the mothermust explain to his child that she will not love him less because of her new husband. He is as precious and important to her as ever. But I would like to note: if a child tries to get a benefit from the situation, you can not go on about it. And only when the mutual understanding between the mother and the child is fully established, the stepfather can easily begin to build relationships.

The child of the husband from the first marriage

Here the situation is slightly different than it wasmentioned above. Most often the child remains with the mother, and to the father he comes just to visit. Therefore, it will be sufficient to establish friendly and confidential relations, but it is also difficult to do this. "I do not like a child from a first marriage" - these words are very often heard from the new lady.

Usually initially the girl is mistaken. Before the wedding, staying in dreams, she thinks that if she loves her chosen one, she will be able to feel warm feelings towards his child. But it is more difficult to establish contact than it seems initially. A child can be jealous of his father. This is not surprising, because in his life a new man appeared. And then a woman, seeing this attitude towards herself, also begins to feel dislike for the child. In this case, you just need to get used to and accept each other. Over time, most likely, mutual dislike will remain far behind. It is worth noting that a girl can not be cajoled by a child with different gifts, because in this case he will not become more loving, but simply will treat it consumerly.

It also happens that for women a stumbling blockmoney becomes. She is sorry for the funds her husband spends on former children. And sometimes a man, feeling his guilt, gives his ex-wife much more money than the present. Scandals on this ground begin to occur in the family, and then the woman can say: "I do not like a child from the first marriage", because he believes that indirectly he is the culprit of all the troubles.

In this case, it will be most correct to talk quietly with your spouse. And try to more adequately budget the budget, so that it suits both.

Sometimes it happens, the kid from the last marriagebecomes an obstacle to the birth of a joint. A woman wants a child, but a man complains that he already has children. It turns out that the child does not fulfill the woman's dreams. And here already common sense is receding into the background, but there is only dislike, and sometimes even hatred. Then often from the girl you can hear: "I do not like the child of my husband!"

Here, in the first place, it is important constantlyrepeat that the child is not guilty of anything, and you can not blame him for your own personal blunders. Before you associate your life with a person, especially if the second half already has a baby from the first marriage, you need to discuss this nuance. Does he want children or not? This situation, by the way, can affect the stronger sex. It is generally believed that a woman, coming together with a new man, gives him a joint child, but this statement is not always true. Sometimes a girl who already has a child does not want to go through pregnancy and childbirth again.

In any case, the main thing is to come to a compromise,The desire of the couple for such a serious issue should coincide. After all, this builds a good relationship, it is impossible that someone put ultimatums and went against the aspirations of the other. And if a compromise is found, it's unlikely that the girl will have a thought in her head: "I do not like the child of my husband."

Jealousy

Sometimes the baby is veryfamiliar or familiar, he does not interfere with anything, does not constrain, does not affect life in any way, but still irritates madly. Basically in these cases it is about jealousy. Usually the couple, when they start dating, spend a lot of time together. However, with the beginning of a joint life, everything comes to its normal rate, the schedule becomes the same, part of the time is devoted to work, friends, hobbies and a child from a previous marriage.

Sometimes it seems to the spouse or the spouse that the childlove more than them. Because of this, jealousy manifests, and at the same time dislike for the baby. As often happens, and this problem can be solved with the help of a conversation. It is enough to talk with your soul mate and discuss how the partner plans to spend his leisure time, how much time to spend on it, whether to take the child with him on vacation. I would like to note that it is during the conversation that you should decide all the questions, and you can not hope that in time you will be able to remove the child from the life of a loved one. And most importantly - less dramatization, negative thoughts to drive away.

There is one more nuance: sometimes jealousy is more focused not on the child, but on the former wife or husband. But as the child becomes an occasion for communication between former spouses and something common, unconsciously a person begins to blame the child. They can see each other, meet or talk on the phone. And this one thought can lead to despair, so the storm of negative emotions does not subside inside and finds an exit in this way.

Only time and rational can help herethinking. First of all, it is important to realize that someone, and the child is probably not to blame for what is happening, you should not blame him for not being able to solve the situation and understand the feelings. First you need to determine whether these fears are groundless, or indeed there is reason to be jealous of your soul mate. And if fears are a figment of imagination, then one should take care of oneself and understand individual problems. After all, a beautiful and self-confident person will not be afraid that she will be preferred to someone else.

Different personalities

Sometimes it happens that people simply do notconverge in communication. Or a person confesses: "I do not like little children." And if, due to circumstances or differences in the character, a new person can not get along with the child, then perhaps one should not force oneself, but try to reduce communication to the maximum by coming only to respectful relationships. Further time will tell, probably, in the future the situation will change for the better.

The main thing is to realize that a child is forever, so you have to either reconcile with the presence of another person in the life of the chosen one, or break off the relationship with that person.

A child from an ex-husband

Sometimes from some women you can hear: "I do not like a child from the former." Perhaps the baby is unplanned, and feelings for a person have long since passed or were not there at all. Perhaps it was a painful parting. And, worse, the former humiliated morally and physically. And then it is even more likely to hear: "I do not like a child from an ex-husband."

A woman is divorced and remains in a serious heartand financial situation. Therefore, all the pain, resentment and anger can affect the baby. Sometimes out of themselves their external similarity, just nerves can not stand, and the mother breaks down on the child, does not like him. Or he loves, but from time to time he really annoys her.

How to solve this difficult problem? It is important to learn how to manage your anger, not to break in on the baby, for regardless of feelings towards the child, it is necessary to remember that the main task is to bring up a good person. And if he grows up in an uncomfortable atmosphere and feels dislike for himself - this is fraught with a lot of problems in his later adult life. Well, realize that dislike for the child is associated only with the former, and only by letting all offense to the father of the baby, you can stop being angry with the child. Then you do not even have to think about phrases like: "I do not like the child from the first marriage".

Other people's children

If there is antipathy to other people's children orchild girlfriend, then for some it can be a problem, especially if you do not want to lose a close friend. And if the girl clearly understands: "I do not like the girlfriend's child" - in this situation, everything should be thoroughly analyzed and understood, because of what exactly these emotions arose. For example, a girlfriend comes to visit with a baby, and a frustrating mess that remains after the baby. The most correct decision will be to meet somewhere in a neutral place, for example, in a cafe. Or even reduce communication with a friend, avoid personal meetings and limit oneself to only telephone calls. You can just talk with your girlfriend and directly discuss everything that does not suit you.

"How to Love a Child", Janusz Korczak

This is a wonderful book, which, perhaps,will be the first step towards solving problems and correcting them. It is a real guide for raising children for parents. It will help to cope with the complexities faced by parents of children of different ages, from newborns to adolescents. And all this is written in an excellent literary language using interesting metaphors and comparisons by the master of the word and his work, the teacher J. Korczak.

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